“In the day of strife, Lord, teach my heart to lift but a light shield. Let me not build a fortress of stone, lest I dwell in bitterness. Make my defenses swift to rise and swift to fall, that love may advance and peace return. For You lead those who trust in You from hurt into healing, from lament into joy.”
Conflict is woven into the fabric of human relationships. Even in the safest and most loving family, disagreements, misunderstandings, and emotional collisions happen. Scripture never pretends otherwise. Instead, it teaches us how to walk through conflict in a way that preserves love, honors God, and builds depth rather than distance.
Yet most of us tend to respond in one of two unhealthy ways:
- We either build no defenses at all—letting hurt become resentment, or
- We build massive fortresses—walls, trenches, emotional moats—that isolate us from the very people we love.
This reflection explores a better way: the Christian practice of building light, temporary defenses—a “hasty defense” that protects the heart without trapping it.
Conflict Is Not the Enemy—Stagnation Is
One of the hardest truths to accept is that conflict itself is not a sign of relational failure. It’s often a sign of intimacy, of honesty, of personalities brushing up against each other in the friction of real life.
Healthy families do not avoid conflict—they grow through it. They do not seek it, but neither do they run from it; instead, they face it with humility, courage, and the confidence that love is strong enough to carry them through.
The real danger is not disagreement but getting stuck in a past hurt. When one person builds a fortress—rigid, immovable, fortified with old wounds—the relationship freezes. There can be no movement toward healing, reconciliation, or deeper intimacy.
A fortress feels safe, but it becomes a prison of the heart.
The Wisdom of a Hasty Defense
The Marine Corps teaches the idea of a hasty defense—a quick, minimal barrier that protects you only long enough to regain situational awareness and move forward. It is meant to be torn down as soon as the mission continues.
There is surprising theological and relational wisdom in this.
A hasty defense says:
- “I need a moment to breathe.”
- “I need a moment to understand what I’m feeling.”
- “I need space to respond with love rather than react with fear.”
It is protective without being permanent.
It keeps the heart mobile.
It allows the relationship to continue forward.
It prevents escalation.
It positions us to re-engage in love—quickly.
Why a Fortress Fails
A fortress formed in conflict may look strong, but biblically and relationally it is a trap.
- It is built too fast, fueled by hurt instead of wisdom.
- It is too heavy to dismantle easily.
- It causes one to dwell in bitterness.
- It removes relational mobility.
- It keeps the future hostage to a past moment.
Proverbs warns, “A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city” (Prov. 18:19).
Strong cities are defended by thick walls, locked gates, guarded towers—
and they are slow to open.
The fortress mentality prevents reconciliation because it treats a family member not as a beloved companion but as an adversary to be kept out.
Look From the Future Backward
In moments of conflict, there is tremendous clarity in pausing long enough to ask:
“A year from now, looking back—will I be glad I built this wall?”
Or…
“Will I wish I had kept the path of reconciliation open?”
Seeing conflict from the future helps us discern what actually matters. Most quarrels do not deserve a fortress. Most wounds heal when the heart stays soft, the defenses light, and the relationship moving forward.
God’s redemptive work is future-oriented. He leads His people from hurt to healing, from lament to joy.
But we must leave Him room to work.
Swift to Raise, Swift to Lower
The goal is not to be defenseless.
Nor is it to be impenetrable.
The goal is to cultivate a wise, temporary defense:
- Swift to rise when needed—so we do not lash out.
- Swift to fall when peace returns—so we do not remain hardened.
It mirrors the very heart of God—slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love, ready to forgive, eager to redeem.
A Path Toward God-Honoring Love
In family conflict, the question is rarely,
“Who was right?”
The deeper question is:
“Did we leave room for love to grow?”
Heavy defenses choke growth.
Light defenses protect growth.
When we refuse to build fortresses, we choose hope.
When we tear down walls quickly, we honor God.
When we keep moving forward, we walk in the way of Christ—
the One who reconciles all things, tears down dividing walls, and makes peace through His love.
Living Forward With the End in Mind
There is a larger life-principle embedded in all of this:
A wise person defines life backwards and lives it forwards.
We begin with the end God calls us to—
a life marked by love, faithfulness, reconciliation, and Christlike character—
and then we make decisions today that are consistent with that destination.
When we imagine the future God desires for our family, and then look back on today’s conflict from that vantage point, it becomes much easier to choose grace over grievance, movement over stagnation, love over walls.
This backward-looking vision gives forward-moving power.
It ensures that the choices we make in the heat of conflict align with the long-term fruit we hope our lives will bear.
The best is yet to come!
Things I Wish My Family Knew 
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